FMA Gags
by A Girl Called Tennessee
Summary: FMA GAGS! You may have read Homunculus Gags, but FMA Gags are slightly different. They’re random TV shows that I think would be funny with FMA, and while H. Gags had one main character, these stories may vary in FMA characters. At least one LOL per ch!
1. Ed's Diary and the Chimera Charity

Cast in order of appearance: Al, Wrath, Ed, Envy, Greed, Marta, Dorchet

Al standing in yard playing with red yo-yo, Wrath watching

Wrath: Can I try?

Al (as if in a trance): No.

Wrath: …Why not?

Al: 'cause.

Wrath: 'cause why?

Al: 'cause you'll break it.

Wrath: Will not!

Al: Will too.

Wrath: *launches himself at Al* Gimme!

Al: No it's mine!

Begin wrestling over yo-yo

Several minutes later

Al and Wrath completely tangled in yo-yo string, tied back to back

Wrath: This is your fault.

Al: Is not, you're the one who took my yo-yo. That thing's special to me.

Wrath: Why?

Al: 'cause it's red.

Wrath: …?

Al: I like that color.

Wrath: Okay sure.

Silence

Al: Well I guess the only thing left to do is call for Brother.

Al clears throat

Al (screams): Brother!!! HELP!!!

Ed runs in from nowhere

Ed: What is it?! Who's hurt?! What's wrong?!

Al: Nothing's wrong, but can you untangle us? Then help me hide this yo-yo?

Ed: I can't right now….

Wrath: Why not Edward? (flexes fingers) Ow, I can't feel your arm Edward.

Untangles them from the yo-yo

Ed: Have either of you two seen my diary-? J-journal?

Al: The one Envy stole last time?

Ed: Yeah, I can't find it. You haven't seen it, have you?

Al and Wrath: No-…

Two stop and think

Memory of the pervious day

Al and Wrath run into Ed's room with a large cardboard box labeled "Charity for Chimeras"

Wrath (going through bookshelves): What can we take?

Al: I dunno, just grab everything.

Wrath takes a large stack of books and drops them in box

Al and Wrath: We're good people!

Two run out of the room and down the hall to go steal other people's things

End flashback

Wrath and Al: Heh-heh….

Ed: Charity for _what_?! Who in their right mind would start a charity like that?!

Wrath: I believe Envy made it up to annoy the heck out of Mr. Greed.

Ed: So Greed has my journal?!

Al: Guess so, we taped up the box and gave it to Envy.

Al and Ed look at Wrath

Wrath: … What?

Ed: Well you are the only one who can talk to Envy without being murdered.

Al: Yeah, it's only fair.

Wrath: I fail to see how this is fair.

Several blocks later

Ed and Al (hiding in the bushes in front of Envy's apartment): You can do it Wrath! We believe in you!

Crouch back down

Al: We're never seeing him again.

Ed: Hey, since when have the FMA characters lived so close together? I didn't think Envy had an apartment.

Al: *shrug* Neither did I, but I guess we have to face the truth sometime.

Ed: And what truth would that be?

Al: I don't know, I just felt like sounding intellectual.

Wrath (at door): Envy, where'd those books go?

Envy: They went to Greed's summer home-… pipsqueak's here isn't he?!

Envy looks at bushes

Ed: Run for your life!!!

Three flee

Wrath: How do we get to Greed's summer home?

Ed: The freak has a summer home?

Wrath: Yeah, apparently he takes all his chimera friends with him. it's by the beach.

Al: I wanna drive!

Ed: You can't drive… I can though.

Wrath: Aren't you a little short to be driving.

Al covers Wrath's mouth

Al (trying to keep Ed away from Wrath): He didn't mean it Brother!

At Greed's summer home:

Greed kicks over another stack of boxes labeled "Charity for Chimeras"

Greed: Who the hell keeps sending me these things?!

Marta: What's up Greed?

Greed: Someone keeps sending me these stupid boxes of books for you guys!

Dorchet: Yeah well (pushes box of books down the cellar stairs) problem solved.

Loud banging begins on door

Greed: It better not be more books!

Greed opens door and is hit in the face with a shovel

Ed: Oops….

Helps Greed up

Greed: Were you just pounding on my door with a shovel?!

Ed: … No…. (throws shovel out of view)

Al (from out of shot): OW!!!

Greed: If you don't-!

Greed looks up at lawn, dug through, turned over, massacred, the smoking half remains of a large airplane created with alchemy in the center of the grass

Greed: My lawn!!!

Al stands beside plane rocking on the balls of his feet and rubbing his head

Al looks at Ed

Al: Oh! Right!

Bends down and pulls Wrath (wearing flight goggles) out of the wreckage

Al (said like reading a script): Wrath, my dear friend, are you okay?!

Wrath: Everything hurts! Ow my liver! Ow my spleen! Ow my lasagna!

Al (whisper): Wrath! Lasagna's not a vital organ!

Wrath: It isn't?

Ed (making things up on the spot): Wrath was flying! When he ran out of s-syllables… and flew- um in reverse to erase a-a spelling mistakes…! And crash in yard! It was terrible! We better take him to your… book room to heal!

Greed: Get off my lawn!

Ed: But-!

Greed: Get off!!!

Slams door

Al drags Wrath over to front step

Wrath (still screaming): Ow my finger nails! Ow my skin! Ow Ed's arm and leg!

Dorchet (from inside the house): Greed, I got another one of these boxes!

Greed: Throw it in the cellar!

Al drops Wrath and the three walk around the side of the house

Wrath and Al begin trying to open window while Ed sits and watches

Five minutes later

Al: You could help ya know!

Ed shakes head

Ed: No thanks, I still ache from digging up Greed's lawn.

Wrath: Well I guess we'll just have to do this alchemy style.

Ed: I was waiting to see how long that would take ya!

Wrath shrugs and uses alchemy on the window, Ed jumps in and begins tearing through boxes, second later jumps out with book

Ed: Got it!

Wrath: Can we go now? Mom's making fried chicken tonight.

Al: She's my mom.

Ed: She just looks like our mother, that's not your mother Al.

Wrath: Right she's mine!

Ed: No she's not yours either!

Al: At least she looks like my mother Wrath! She doesn't look anything like Izumi!

Wrath: But once I take Edward's body I'll look like him! And then she'll look like my mom!

Ed: But she's not my mom either! And you can't have my limbs!

Al: So whose mom is she?

Ed: No one's!

Wrath: But she is making chicken, so I still wanna go home.

Ed: …Fine.

Ed jumps in car while the other two wait on the sidewalk

Starts up car which flies forward

Loud crash

Al and Wrath run over to Ed who's been flung out of the car, still holding the steering wheel

Ed sits up

Ed: Whoo-hoo! Demolition derby! Huh Al!

Al shakes his head

Al: I've seen better, Brother. (points to the smoking car) The car isn't totaled, (points to the tree, missing several limbs) you could have done a lot more with the tree, (points to the fence) and you hardly wrecked Greed's picket fence. (takes steering wheel from Ed) And your head should be smashed over your head (punches he through steering wheel) like so.

Ed: Well excuse me! I'm such a hack!

All stare at car

Ed: … I guess we're walking….

Three walk away

Greed comes outside and looks around

Greed: …?! *falls to knees* What'd I do to deserve this?!

Fin

_**Hey! This one is totally random, but I found it funny so I hope you do! Please review, 'cause reviews are better than ice-cream!!!!!!!**_

_**Tennessee**_


	2. Idiot Box

Cast in order of appearance: Al, Wrath, Ed

Al: See anything yet, Wrath?

Wrath: I need my glasses.

Puts two glasses of water on his eyes

Wrath: Hmmm, it's the mail truck!

Al and Wrath: Our package!

Both start dancing and hopping

Ed: I didn't realize it was Happy Hopping Moron Day.

Mailman: Alphonse Elric?

Al: That's me!

Throws a very big box next to Al and Wrath

Ed (watching out window): That's a big box!

Al: Thank you.

Still dancing and hopping

Wrath: Hey Al, when do we stop hopping?

Al: 30 more seconds, Wrath.

Ed: *scoff* He probably ordered a lifetime supply of bubble soap.

Al and Wrath pull out a big/screen TV

Ed: Huh?! A brand-new television?

Al: Easy...easy...

Throws the TV onto a trash-can

Ed: Just when I thought they couldn't get any stupider.

Al and Wrath laugh then jump into the box

Ed comes out side

Ed: Let me get this straight, you two ordered a giant screen television just so you could play in the box?

Al and Wrath pop out of the box

Al: Pretty smart, huh?

Wrath: I thought it wouldn't work.

Ed: Uh-huh, that's quite a plan there. Oh, but wait, there was something else I wanted to ask you two. What was it? Oh, yeah, yeah. Don't you two have any brains?!

Al: Ed, we don't need television. Not as long as we have our... (makes a rainbow with his hands) ...imagination.

Ed: Wow, I never thought of it that way. That's really something…. Can I have your TV?

Al: With... (makes a rainbow with his hands) ...imagination, I can be anything I want! A pirate! Arr! A football player! Hutt!

Wrath: A homunculus!

Ed: Wrath, you're already a homunculus.

Wrath: See, Edward? It works! You try!

Ed: Okay, let's see. I'm imaging myself watching TV (points to the one on the trash-can) And there it is! Can I have it, Al?

Al: Sure, Brother.

Ed: Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! (Ed pushes TV into house)

Al: Okay Brother, but if you change your mind, we'll be in this box!

Two close the box back up

Wrath: Let's play Mountain Climbing Adventure!

Al: Let's go for it! Gloves!

Wrath: Check.

Al: Hats!

Wrath: Check.

Al: Underwear!

Wrath: Uh… check!

Al: Okay, Wrath, climb up there and secure this rope.

Wrath: You got it!

Ed hears noises of someone climbing a mountain coming from the box

Al: Wrath! Wrath! Wrath, you're going to high!

Ed (to himself): I hope they put some air holes in that box….

Ed goes inside

Al: Take it easy, Wrath, you've got to acclimate!

Wrath: I'll be easy when I'm dead! I'm standing at the gate! Woo! Excelsior!

Ed comes back out

Ed: Now where's that remote?

Wrath: I am the lizard king! Woo!

Al: Wrath? Wrath? Wrath! I think we should keep our voices down! We might start an avalanche!

Wrath: What?

Al: I said, I think we should keep our voices down in case of avalanches!

Wrath: What should we keep down?

Ed: Morons….

Al: Our voices!!

Ed: Will you two shut up?!

Ed kicks box

Loud avalanche sound from inside

Al and Wrath screaming

Ed: Al?

Ed touches box, another avalanche sound and Wrath and Al crying

Wrath: Hold me.

Al: Hang in there buddy, the chopper is on the way!

Wrath: Al! My legs are frozen solid! You're going to have to cut them off with a saw!

Al: No Wrath, I can't do that!

Wrath: Why not?

Al: Because I already cut off my own arms!

Wrath: No!!

Ed panics and opens the box

Wrath and Al sitting calmly inside

Ed: What? How were you two making that noise?

Al: *laugh* What noise, Brother?

Wrath: We could only hear the sound of our laughter.

Ed: Yes! But those sound effects: the avalanche, the, the, the…!

Wrath: Don't forget the second avalanche.

Ed: …Forget it. I don't know why I'm wasting my time out here when I could be watching my brand new television.

Helicopter sound from inside the box

Man (Inside Box): Attention climbers, please hold on! The saws are on the way!

Al and Wrath cheer

Ed opens box

Ed: How are you two doing that?

Al: First we establish a base camp at 15,000 feet-

Ed: The noises, how are you two making those noises?

Wrath: That's easy. All you need is a box.

Al: And... (makes a rainbow with his hands) ...imagination.

Ed: Are you trying to say that I have no imagination? I have more imagination... (tries to make a rainbow with his hands but fails) ...in one automail finger than you two have in your whole bodies!

Wrath: That's good. Now all you need is a box.

Closes the box as Ed walks back to his house

Several minutes later

Ed: I'll show them!

Looking for another box in closet

Ed: There's got to be one in here!

Finds a small, round green box

Ed: This hat box should do nicely.

Pulls out a sombrero

Ed: Why haven't I worn this yet?

Ed gets in the box he is too big for and sits there staring at his watch

Ed: Forget it!

Kicks box

Sirens  
Police Man: Attention! We have you surrounded! Come out with your hands up!

Ed (suddenly nervous): What do they want with me? What did I do? (looks at box) I must have violated some new box kicking law!

Ed walks out of house with the green box held in front of him

Ed: Looky officers, everything's Okay! I won't do it again!

Looks around to see the noises are coming from the box Al and Wrath are in

Al: You'll never take me alive, coppers!

Man: No, Johnny! Don't do it!

Ed kicks the green box, lands in front of Al and Wrath's box

Sirens stop and Wrath and Al look out of the box

Wrath: Whoopee! Another box!

Wrath grabs box and pulls it in, sirens resume

Ed: I got to try to relax. Perhaps I can drown out their childish games with a little TV.

Turns on TV to see a box conveyer belt channel

Host: It is here that the boxes reach their final stage of assembly.

Changes channel to see a professor talk about a box equation

Physicist: The equation is illustrated here by this box.

Changes channel to a soap opera

Man: I couldn't afford a present this year, so I got you this box.

Both hold up boxes

Woman: That's what I got you!

Ed: Isn't there anything on that isn't about boxes?

Changes channel  
Host: And welcome back to Championship Boxing.

Ed: Heh-heh, I guess this is Okay. I mean, it's not really about boxes.

Two cardboard boxes are going at each other

Ed: …I give up.

Man (from outside): 3...2...1...blast off!

Ed (looks out window): How are they doing that? That was the most realistic space launch I ever heard! There must be an explanation. Think, Ed, think!

Imagines of a tape recorder they have and playing real effects

Al: Brother's such a jerk.

Both laugh

Ed: Laugh at me, will they?

Runs outside and opens box

Ed: All right, where is it?

Wrath pops out of green box, much too small for him

Wrath: Here I am!

Al: Where's what, Brother?

Ed: Don't "Where's what, Brother?" me! Where's the tape recorder?

Al: *grin* We don't have a tape recorder, Brother!

Ed: Don't "We don't have a tape recorder, Brother" me!

Al: But we don't!

Wrath holds up small white box

Wrath: We have a tape recorder box.

Ed: All right, make way you two, I'm coming in.

Ed gets into box

Al: Welcome aboard, Brother! You've just set sail on the S.S... (makes a rainbow with his hands) ...Imagination. Where our only destination is fantastic adventure! Where do you want to go first?

Ed: Don't mind me, I'm just here to observe.

Al: Brother, don't you see? Waiting and watching? That's not what the box is all about! It's all about... (makes a rainbow with his hands) ...imagination.

Ed: *snap* All right, fine! Take me to Alchemist Homunculus Island! I want to arm wrestle with Mustang on the moon! Just do it so I can get back and watch TV!

Al: Okay, Ed! Alchemist Homunculus Island it is!

Al and Wrath close eyes

No sound

Ed: …Why won't this thing turn on?! All right, fine. If you don't want to show me, I don't care! I've got better things to do than pace the floor wondering how you two work this thing!

Ed several minutes later pacing the floor

Ed: How do those two work that thing? There's got to be a secret button or a switch or something! I mean, listen to that! (hears noises from box) That sounds like Alchemist Homunculus Island! Think, Ed, think! I got it! When those two go to bed, I'll sneak in there and find that button. I'll wait all night if I have to!

Night

Ed asleep, sounds of fireworks

Box opens and both get out and walk into the house, waking Ed

Wrath: I need sleep to refuel my imagination tanks!

Al: I still can't believe those Alchemists beat all those Homunculus.

Wrath: See you in the morning.

Al: Good-night, Wrath.

Both go into their bedrooms

Ed smiles (evilly) and sneaks out and into the box, still on the side of the road

Ed (sees a piece of paper on the wall): Hello, what's this?

Begins reading

Ed: "This plaque is to commemorate the brave alchemists who gave their lives to keep this box safe from the homunculus Menace. Lest we forget-" For get it!

Tears paper

Ed: I've got to find that button quick!

Looks around box

Ed: It's got to be around here somewhere. I don't see anything! It's just an empty box! Maybe it really was their imagination. Oh… get yourself together, Edward! I mean, do I really believe that if I sit here and pretend to drive a race car that I'm suddenly going to start hearing noises?

Steps on the imaginary gas pedal and hears the actual noise

Ed: What the…?!

Ed turns the imaginary key

Ed: It actually works! I can't believe it!

Garbage truck backs up and picks Ed's box up and puts it in the truck

Ed: Oh boy! This beats TV by a long shot! This is the most fun I've ever had!

Al (to himself): Listen to that. Brother finally made the box work after all. That is so great.

Garbage tuck drives away with Ed in the box, still thinking he's driving

Ed: Vroom! Only two more laps to the finish line!

Garbage truck dumps out the trash in junk yard, box speeds down mountain of trash

Ed: I'm in the lead! Out of my way! I'm almost there! Victory is mine!

Box slides down a trash pile until it hits something sending Ed flying out and into a half eaten cherry pie

Al and Wrath get up and walk outside

Al: Hey, our box is gone!

Wrath: Oh well.

Al: I know! Let's go see if Brother has enough money to buy us a new TV!

Wrath: I hope he's not too down in the dumps today.

Fin

**_Alright everyone! Thanks for reading! Now while you may have read Homunculus Gags, FMA Gags are slightly different. They're just random TV shows that I think would be funny with FMA, and while FMA Gags had one main character, these stories may vary in characters. I hope you like it a please review. Reviews are better than ice-cream! _**

**_:P_**

**_Tennessee_**


	3. FMA Detention

Cast in order of appearance: Envy, Haruhi Suzamiya, Greed, Ed, Al

All Manga characters in high school

Envy sitting in an empty classroom, staring out the window

"Detention" written across the blackboard

Random girl runs in

Girl: Did you see a small girl with red hair and a big chest run in here?!

Envy: Nope, can't say I have.

Envy looks at girl's brown hair tied up into pig tails with blue hair ties

Envy: I see it's Tuesday. Looks good on ya.

Girl: You're not an alien, time traveler, or esper are you?

Envy: No, but I am a-

Girl slams door

Envy: -… homunculus…. No one ever lets me finish.

Door opens and Greed enters

Greed (looking out the door): No, no I'm not, but I am a-… fine run away.

Envy: Hey Greed.

Greed sits down on opposite side of the room

Greed: Why're you here?

Envy: Got into a fight.

Greed: With who?

Envy: Fullmetal pipsqueak….

Greed: Why?

Envy: What is this, twenty questions? He started it, not me.

Flashback

Ed walking down hallway

Al: Brother! Help!

Ed runs around corner to see Envy trying to close a locker

Envy: Just stay in there you little punk!

Ed: What're you doing?!

Envy turns from locker and Al falls out

Envy: … Nothing.

Al: Brother, he tired to stuff me in a locker!

End flashback

Envy: How about you?

Greed: I might have stolen some stuff….

Envy: What?

Greed: Nothing.

Al runs in, apparently frantic

Al: Have either of you seen my lunch money?!

Greed: Was it in a black leather wallet on the inside pouch of a big red backpack inside of locker sixty-seven?

Al: Yeah!

Greed: Nope.

Envy scoffs

Al: Oh! Mei's going to kill me if I have to ask her for money again! Let me know if you see it!

Envy: Good luck kid.

Al leaves

Greed takes out a bundle of money

Greed: Hungry? I'm buy'n.

Envy: *shrug* Sure why not.

Fin

_**Okay everyone! Just a small one for you guys to keep up the "kawaiiness"! Yes it just said it and everyone (especially Fallen Crystal Moon) should be happy :P Reviews are better than ice-cream!!!**_

_**Tennessee**_


	4. Al's Hiccups

Cast in order of appearance: Al, Wrath, Envy, Ed, Izumi, Lin

At school

Al sits at lunch table alone carefully picking through a tray of food

Wrath sits down next to him

Wrath: Watch'a eat'n?

Al: I-… I don't really know.

Wrath looks down at his school lunch

Wrath: Mom packed me a lunch, but Envy stole it….

Al: Yeah, she-

Wrath: He

Al: Right, he stole my lunch money last week too. Well actually Greed took it, then Envy spent it….

Envy sits down with a large packed lunch

Wrath: Wha'd Ma pack?

Envy: Do you ever speak incomplete sentences?

Wrath: Not really.

Envy shrugs and opens his-… Wrath's lunch

Envy (mouthful): So where's pipsqueak, pipsqueak's brother?

Al: He has second lunch today, but we have next class together next.

Wrath looks at Envy's bag of potato chips

Wrath: Envy what's with those potato chips Envy? They're all red.

Envy: Huh? Oh, they're spicy.

Wrath: Spicy! Gimme!

Envy: No way they're mine!

Wrath: Come on! Please?

Envy: Not a chance!

Wrath: I'll tell Dante you were mean to me!

Envy: *pout* …Want a chip?

Wrath: Thanks!

Envy offers bag to Al

Envy: Want one?

Al: No thanks. I can't handle spicy things.

Envy: *evil smile*

Envy: Here take one! (puts potato chips in front of Al's face)

Al: Didn't ya hear me? I can't eat spicy food, you should really listen when someone's telling you something.

Envy: Oh it's okay, these are really good for you, they make you grow taller.

Al: Really? Maybe I should give a few to Brother.

Al takes bag of chips

Envy: But you probably want to test one, just to make sure it's not… poisoned or anything.

Wrath: …?

Al: Oh you're right, Brother would never forgive me if he got poisoned.

Al eats chip

Wrath: …? Um, Al?

Al: … (sticks tongue out) … h-hot….

Envy: *smirk*

Al: …….. AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Twenty minutes later

Al (hand over mouth) walking down the hall with Wrath and Envy

Al: You're terrible, I thought I was gonna die!

Envy: *shrug* Not my fault.

Wrath: It kinda is Envy.

Ed walks up behind them

Ed: Envy.

Envy: Ed.

Ed and Envy: *glare*

Envy: You know if one more suspension didn't mean expulsion you'd already be stuffed in a locker.

Ed: Funny I was thinking the same thing.

Al: Hi Brother.

Ed: Hey, ready for music after break?

Al: Yep, I- _hic_!

Ed: …?

Envy: …!

Wrath: …?

Al: _hic_!

Ed: What's this now? Got hiccups?

Wrath: I bet it's 'cause you ate all that spicy stuff.

Ed: You ate something spicy?

Al points at Envy

Al: They're _hic_! gonna make you taller.

Ed: *glare*

Envy: It's not my fault he's gullible.

Al: _hic_! What do I do? _hic_!

Wrath: Can't you cure it by drinking water?

Al: _hic_! Water?

Four standing in front of a soda machine

Al: _hic_! …_hic_!

Envy: Get whatever you want (pulls out Al's lunch money) you're buy'n.

Al: …_hic_! Um okay, just not- _hic_! soda.

Envy: Okay one soda.

Al: No! _hic_! No soda! _hic_! I'm terrible with c-_ hic_! carbonation.

Ed: *shrug* It's true.

Cup of water fills up in the machine

Al takes it and drinks some

Everyone waits

Al: …. _hic_!

Ed: Those are some stubborn hiccups.

Wrath (said thoughtfully): I heard it was good to drink water with your nose plugged.

Envy: Actually I heard it was your ears.

Ed: Let's try 'em both!

Ed covers Al's ears and Al pinches his nose

Wrath: Ready?

Al (nasally): _hic_! Yep.

Al drinks water

All wait

Ed: Are ya cured?

Al: No way to tell for sure….

Envy: ….

Wrath: ….

Ed: ….

Al: … _hic_!

Envy: Nope.

Ed: Wait I know!

Ed begins rummaging through his bag and pulls out a set of chopsticks

Wrath: …Why do you have chopsticks Edward?

Ed: This is a Japanese anime, is it not?

All look toward camera

Envy: …Awkward.

Ed: Now balance the cup on these and drink from it.

Wrath: Ya sure?

Ed: Nope! Give it a try.

Al: Okay. _hic_!

Takes chopsticks and tries to balance the cup

Hiccups and drops the cup

… Fail

Ed: … Forget it, let's just go to music.

Al: _hic_! Okay.

Looks back at homunculus

Al: See y-_hic_!-ou in homeroom.

Envy and Wrath: Alright, bye.

Music class: the recorder test

Al gets up with recorder and begins to play

One note, _hic_! Three notes, _hic_! Four notes, _hic_! Two notes, _hic_!

Ed: *trying not to laugh*

Teacher: … I think you're done, Alphonse.

Al: But -_hic_!- I didn't -_hic_!- finish!

Teacher: Yes… you did.

Al: A-_hic_!-rlight…

English class:

Wrath looks over at Al

Al: _hic_! _hic_! _hic_!

Izumi drags chalk down the black board in irritation

Izumi: Knock it off Alphonse!!!

Homeroom:

Wrath and Envy stand around Al scratching their heads

Ed runs in

Ed: Hey! Time to go home!

Al: _hic_! _hic_!

Ed: Huh? Still have your hiccups?

Al: _hic_! Yeah, _hic_!

Ed: This means it's been going on for over two hours.

Envy: Can't ya die if you have hiccups for over a day?

Al: Die?! _hic_!

Wrath jumps up

Wrath: Al, please be afraid! Be very afraid! (begins screaming and flailing his arms)

Al: Sorry, _hic_! but that's not scaring me _hic_! one bit.

Envy smacks Al on the back as hard as he possibly can

Ed and Wrath: …?!

Envy (still slapping Al on the back): I heard if you smack someone on the back really hard it'll get rid of hiccups!

Wrath: Isn't that for choking?

Envy: *pause* Oh… yeah sorry about that….

Al: That was mean! _hic_!

Wrath: Don't hiccups happen 'cause something's, like shaking?

Ed: Yeah, spasms in the diaphragm.

Al: Where's _hic_! that?

Ed: Right below the lungs.

Envy: Right here! (punches Al in the stomach)

Al: …. (falls out of chair onto the floor)

Ed: H-hey! That the solar plexus!

Wrath: Isn't that a vital point on the human body?

Envy: Huh?

All watch Al, still lying on floor

Envy: A-are ya cured?

Al stands up

Al: … _hic_!

Envy: No good, huh?

Al shakes head

Lin passes through

Lin: Hi guys.

Al: Hi- _hic_!

Lin: Hiccups?

Al: Ye-_hic_!-ah.

Lin: You can cure it by brewing persimmons and drinking the tea.

Ed: That's just folklore.

Al: We don't _hic!_ have any _hic_! persimmons anyway.

Lin: Then try holding your breath for a while.

Wrath: Okay ready, start!

Al holds breath

Lin: Now apply pressure to the eyeballs.

Envy holds done Al's eyelids

Al: Ow! Ow! Ow!

Lin: Now pull his tongue.

Ed pulls Al's tongue

Several minutes later

Al: _hic_!

Envy: Anything else?

Lin: Let me think… give it to someone else?

Ed: This is starting to sound a bit unscientific.

Al continues hiccupping while staring into space

Envy: What're _you_ looking at?

Al: Dunno- _hic_!

Lin: If he's not getting any better it could be he's really sick.

Al: I don't feel sick.

Lin: You might wanna have that checked out.

Ed: Sick? With what?

Lin: Like… the brain.

Al: The brain?!

Ed and Envy: Oooooh….

Al: What'd ya mean?

Envy: It's because your brain might have a few problems.

Al: Like what?

Ed: Well you are a little… slow, at times….

Al: Are you talking about symptoms?

Ed: Not really symptoms… just… um?

Envy: The fact that he's not aware of the symptoms himself is sorta a symptom itself, ya know?

Al: What's that supposed to mean?!

Wrath (blankly staring at Al): Al… your hiccups are gone.

All pause

Al: Wow! I guess you're right! I must be cured! It's happily ever after!

Ed: Wonder what it was that stopped 'em.

Wrath: Beats me- _hic_!

Al: I gave my hiccups to Wrath!

Lin: Back to square one.

Wrath: _hic_! _hic_!

Ed: What came first?

Envy: Smack him on the back and punch him in the solar plexus.

Wrath: _hic_! Hold on! _hic_!

Envy: Man I'm gonna enjoy this!

Wrath: _hic_! Wait!!!

Fin

_**And the next ch of FMA Gags for you! With love from Tennessee!**_

_**What're you doing?**_

… _**Who are you?**_

_**I'm Kentucky.**_

_**OMFG!!!!**_

_**Like I said before what're you doing?**_

_**Writing about FMA…?**_

_**Sure okay, have fun with you delusional superiority.**_

_**Over what?**_

_**The other states!**_

… _**Oh… I'm sorry?**_

_**You should be!**_

_***inch away***_


	5. Ten reasons not to be a state alchemist

Cast in order of appearance: Ed, Izumi, Al, Envy, Wrath, Greed, Pride, Mustang

Ed enters and stands center stage, behind podium

Ed: Ahem… this is reasons why not to become a state alchemist. So let me start with reason number one-

Izumi jumps in from nowhere

Izumi: 'cause state alchemists suck!

Ed: H-hey! You can't do that it's my program!

Izumi pushes Ed from podium

Izumi: Reason number two!

Al enters

Al: Can I tell it Izumi?

Izumi: *shrug*

Al: Okay, scary story time!

Spot light on Al

Al: Reason number two why not to become a state alchemist…. Because when you were in second grade there was a terrible teacher named Ms. Griswald. She was older than God and smelled of stale coffee and gym socks. The kind of teacher who would turn the simplest question into an hour long answer.

Envy enters transformed into an old woman, Wrath following

Wrath: Ms. Griswald?

Envy (shrill voice): What?!

Wrath: Can I use the bathroom?

Envy: May you use the bathroom.

Wrath: That's what I just asked, can I use the bathroom?

Envy: MAY you use the bathroom!

Wrath: Please I need to use the bathroom.

Envy: Just ask me then!

Wrath: Can I use the bathroom?!

Envy: May you use the bathroom!

Wrath: *runs out* Ahh!

Al: So you stood there until you either wet your pants or ran out only to come back several seconds later and end up in the corner with a cone on your head, while she breathed down your neck.

Pan to Greed, sitting in the corner

Greed: Again?

Envy changes back into normal form (as normal as that form gets)

Al: Hold on Envy I'm not finished yet.

Envy changes back

Al: So in second grade Ms. Griswald was going to put on a play. A play about what? About how wonderful state alchemists really were. And you- (points to Ed) you were the one who was destined to play the part of the Fullmetal alchemist… you knew it, we all knew it.

Ed: *sniffle* Thanks!

Al: But you didn't get it.

Ed: Huh?

Envy stuffs a tree costume over Ed

Al: You got the part of the tree. Seven years old, terribly impressionable and you are given the part of the tree.

Envy (to Wrath): Say your line, you open this performance, if you don't do well we all burn.

Wrath: … Um, okay, "State alchemists get busy and follow lead so that they can meet our needs!"

Envy: Now say it like you mean it.

Wrath: I do mean it.

Envy: You need to put more emphasis on the last word.

Wrath: More what?

Envy: Say it like this… NEEDS!!!

Wrath: Needs!

Envy: NEEEEEEEEEDS!!!!!!

Wrath: Neeeds?!

Envy: Wrath say it right or I'll take you home and stuff you in an oven!

Wrath: NEEEEDS!!!

Envy: We'll work on it.

Al: You were small for your age.

Ed: Hey!

Al: And in all the confusion on stage during the play you tripped and fell.

Ed tumbles down in tree costume while other FMA characters move around him

Ed: Ms. Griswald! Help!

Envy: Keep going you little delinquents! Don't you dare stop!

Al: You can't escape or turn around to yell for help from your peers, the papier-mâché too strong to break out of but not to break through. Hour after hour you lay there as characters sat on you, mistaken for a prop; you, constantly fearing, the costume would break and you would be suffocated.

Ed: Get off! You're gonna kill me!

Al: So eventually you are left there. The play is over, and you are alone.

Ed (muffled): Guys? Anyone there? Hello?

Al: In time there was nothing left for you to do, but fall asleep, and so you did. But all you could dream of was Ms. Griswald, riding on a giant tree while chanting "State alchemist NEEEEEEDS!!!!!"

Ed: AHHH!!! Somebody help me!!!!

Al: For years afterward the same dream haunted you again and again, until that's all you could think of when you heard the words state alchemist. To the point where you'd lay awake at night your ears ringing with the ghost of NEEEEEEDDSS!!!!!!

Al: Reason number three-

Wrath: Let me!

Al: Okay.

Wrath: FAN GIRLS!!!! The most horrible of all evils. The spawns of satin dwelling on this earth! But hey, where would we be without 'em.

Envy pulls Ed out of tree costume

Ed: Thanks Envy.

Envy: Don't thank me yet.

Ed gets jumped by group of fan girls

Ed: Help!!!! Somebody!! Hey! That's my automail!

Wrath: Now there's a huge catch to being a state alchemist, even larger than Ms. Griswald *twitch*. The fan girls can and will find you if you leave your quiet little home in the country to become a high up military member. It may be because they enjoy dressing you up in the uniforms, or it could just be because they want to make you something yaoi *shudder*, but either way, they will take your soul and twist it inside out, to the point where they reach an idea of you and your brother… I'll leave it at that to prevent mental scarring.

Al: Thanks.

Wrath: No prob.

Al: So if you value your life and have even an ounce of self-respect you'll stay away from the military.

Fan girl grabs Al

Girl: Kiss your brother!

Al: *panic* AHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Ed tackles girl

Ed: RUN AL!!!!! I'll hold 'em off!!!! RRRRRUUUUNNNN!!!!!!!!!!

Several minutes later

Ed: *pant, pant* They're leaches!

Al: *pant* I thought we were goners!

Envy: Okay, reason number four why not to become a state alchemist. There's a little thing called pride.

Pride: That's me!

Envy: No, not you. *point to Mustang* Him. It might not be today, or tomorrow, or even the next day, but eventually, after being in the military as a state alchemist, you will become a Mustang.

Mustang: What do you mean?!

Ed: Come on Mustang, isn't it obvious?

Al: Yeah, you never stop talking about yourself.

Mustang: How dare you! I'll burn you two to a crisp with my amazing flame alchemy!

Ed: You just did it.

Mustang: What?

Al: Just now. You were bragging.

Mustang: Ha! Was not! Being the flame alchemist, I know where my place is.

Ed: You did it again.

Al: Yeah we know who you are; you don't need to say your title.

Mustang: I don't need this! I get all the girls and I'm the best looking one in the military.

Ed and Al exchange glance

Ed pulls back stage curtains revealing searching fan girls

Ed: Look! It's Mustang!

Al: The flame alchemist!

Girls: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mustang (being dragged away): Not like this! It can't end like this!

Envy: So eventually that will happen to you… not a good thing.

Ed: Reason number five.

Izumi: 'cause state alchemist suck!

Al: Reason number six, because the duties of the military will pull you away from one of the single most important things in you life… your cell phone.

All take out cell phones and begin texting

Al: When you're in the military you can't always get to your phone and, maybe just maybe, you will get that life changing call, that mind boggling text, the thing that completely flips your world upside down! True it's never happened to you… true it's never happened to anyone you know, or ever met in your life, but it's possible, you will get that call, or text and won't be able to reach your phone. Now put your phones away.

All return phones to their pockets

Ed: Reason number seven-

Izumi: 'cause state alchemists suck!

Ed: We already said that for one and five!

Izumi: It's true!!

Ed: Can you explain why?!

Izumi: Cause state alchemists are ****ing-!

Al (while Ed and Izumi argue and throw fists in the background): This section of the program has been censored due to inappropriate language and the possibility of sever injuries to both Izumi and Ed. To view the uncensored version, please visit .com. Thank you.

Ed: Reason number eight. Because scientists tell us that when a butterfly flaps its wings in South America it sets off a chain reaction that could trigger a hurricane halfway across the world. So the same thing could happen with alchemy when you change the wind or air currents.

Al: Scientists know when there is going to be good weather by looking at spastic lab rats. Weather men know when the weather will be good by looking at instruments and tools. Old people sitting on park benches gumming tuna sandwiches know when it's going to be a nice day by the way their joints feel. Even your step-homunculus-brother who recently _almost_ passed the tenth grade for the eight time knows it's a nice day.

Envy looks outside

Envy: It's sunny, I'm going out.

Ed: So by consulting all of these experts we will know whether it's a good thing to become a state alchemist and use alchemy.

Mustang enters and snaps his fingers

Scientist: The lab rats! They've gone ballistic!!

Weatherman: These readings are off the charts!!

Old people: My joints are aching! My bones are hurting all over!

Envy walks back inside

Envy: It got cloudy….

Ed: See, not a good idea.

Wrath: Number nine, because my mom wrote me a note.

Pulls out note in his handwriting

Wrath: "Dear Mr. Bradley, please excuse Wrath from taking the state alchemist exam, he's allergic to them, and mayonnaise, and if he takes the exam he will sneeze and swell and break out in hives. From Sloth."

Al: And lastly, reason number ten….

Long pause

All look at each other

Envy points at Ed

Envy: He has it! I saw him say something!

Ed: I didn't say anything! You're delusional…! It was Al!

Al: Who said I had it?! I got nothing!

Izumi: I have one-!

Ed: No you don't!

Wrath: I got it! I got it!

All look at Wrath

Wrath: Because when you were in second grade you had a horrible teacher named Ms. Gr-

Ed: We already did that one! No repeats!

Wrath: We did? Oh yeah we did!

Al: It's gotta be here somewhere!

Ed: I dropped the paper when Izumi attacked me!

Greed: Can I come out of the corner now?

Envy: Yeah help us look!

Ed: Did we even have a ten?

Al: Yeah ten comes after nine!

Ed: But we've already got nine good ones, I mean, even five would've done the trick, no, even two!

Wrath: But we promised them ten!

Ed: Says who?

Al: You did, at the top of this fanfic!

Ed: I never said that!

Al: Oh well in that case your mother did!

Ed: *roles up sleeve* What'd ya say about Ma?

Al: What?! Ya wanna challenge me?

Two go at each other

Izumi: State alchemist suck!

Ed (about to punch Al in the mouth): Stop it!

Al (yanking on Ed's braid): Yeah Teacher, we can't do that one again.

Wrath: Because! Because! Because!

Al: Because of the wonderful things he does!

Envy: I got it! Because if you do you'll become the freaken star of this freaken show!

All hesitate and look at Ed

All: … It's true.

Ed: Guilty I guess….

All: Get Ed!!!!!!!

_**AH HA! Another from Tennessee! I hope you liked it! Please review, reviews are better than ice-cream!**_

_**Why do you combine the manga and the anime Tennessee?**_

_**Ah! Kentucky! I-I didn't know you had a key to my house....**_

_**I picked the lock... still writing?**_

_**Um... yeah... but this is probably my last gag.**_

**_HA! I WIN!!!!_**

**_No not really, I'm still going to write._**

_**I'll beat you down eventually! Your not better than the rest of us states!!!!**_

**_Thanks for reading all my gags!_**


	6. Hohenheim's Will

Cast in order of appearance: Ed, Envy, Al, Wrath

Ed enters holding a large piece of paper

Envy jumps from nowhere

Envy: PIPSQUEAK!!!!!

Ed jumps

Ed: AHHHH!! Envy don't ever do that!

Envy: But it's too much fun!

Ed: … Palm tree head.

Envy: What was that?

Ed: Nothing.

Envy: So why'd you what me to meet you here.

Ed holds up paper

Ed: It's Hohenheim's will.

Envy: Dude! He's dead?!

Ed: Read the top.

Envy (reading): "If I should ever happen to be shoved through the gate by Dante, separating my body, mind, and soul I leave this will to my sons." What a rip off.

Envy throws will back in Ed's face

Ed: Well he left something to all of us, but I couldn't find my brother so I'll just tell him later.

Envy: What'd I get?

Ed (reading): "To my oldest homunculus son I leave my shoe closet and all its contents."

Envy point to door

Envy: This one?

Ed: *nod*

Envy: Alright! Let's see what's in this thing!

Ed: As if there was ever any question.

Envy: Well ya never know!

Envy opens door

Al: Hi Envy!

Envy slams door

Other side of closet door: Envy?

Envy opens door again

Envy: Who is it?

Al: Me.

Envy: Why?

Al: Hohenheim left me to you as your personal slave.

Envy (looking around Al): Anything else in here?

Al: Nope just me.

Ed: Man I hate that guy.

Wrath runs in and clings to Ed's arm

Wrath: What'd he leave me?! What'd he leave me?!

Ed: Wrath for the last time! He did not know you!

Wrath: No fair! No fair! Izumi would've left me something!

Ed: Izumi is _not_ dead!

Wrath: So what, she will be in the movie.

Ed: Then go hang around waiting for her to die, would ya?!

Wrath: I'd rather stay here.

Al (still telling Envy his policies): I work weekends and weekdays, but no time after eight. I can cook and clean, but I won't wear a flowered apron.

Envy: No seriously, anything else in here?

Ed: Drop it Al, you're not going to work for Envy.

Al: Oh but I have too.

Ed: …Whatever.

Envy: What'd he leave you pipsqueak?

Ed looks down at will

Ed (reading): "To my middle son-"

Envy: And least favorite.

Ed: …. *continues reading* "I leave my wide assortment of hair products." …. Okay now it's official, I am his least favorite.

Envy: At least I got a servant.

Al (still rambling): I can buy my way from service to you by whatever price you set, but only if working conditions are poor-

Envy: Anybody got duct tape?

Al: I have duct tape.

Ed: Why?

Envy: Good.

Takes duct tape and puts a piece over Al's mouth

Envy: He left me you… what am I gonna do with a kid-servant…? Wait, I know…. Gimme your clothes.

Thirty seconds later

Al (standing in his boxers): I feel a draft.

Envy (in Al's clothes): Not bad, you have a nice style.

Ed throws Al his cloak

Ed: Wish I could say the same about you. Okay, and *begins reading* "To my youngest son I leave all the contents of my second shoe closet."

Al: Oh boy!

Al runs to the second closet and opens it

Al: … Brother… um….

Ed walks over

Ed: What's in here-… oh my god!

Envy: Dude! This must be the shoe closet that was left to me!

Al: No way! This is the second one!

Envy: Says who?!

Al: There's a big number two on the door!

Ed: Well I guess we know who Hohenheim liked best….

Inside: *racks of jewelry and gold bars*

Envy (thinking): If I'm mean enough to pipsqueak's brother, he'll have to buy his way out of indentured service to me…!

Envy: Hey Al.

Al: Yeah Envy-? *hit over the head with a frying pan*

Envy: Do my laundry.

Al: Ow! Envy that h-! *hit again with frying pan*

Envy: Do the dishes.

Al: Stop it Envy-! *hit again*

Envy: Make me a sandwich.

Al: Just take it!

Envy: Thanks!

Ed: You can't do that-! *hit over the head with a rod iron chair*

Fin

_**Hi guys, a little gag for everyone out there! Please review (reviews are better than ice-cream)**_

_**Kentucky: You lied.**_

_**Did not! **_

_**Kentucky: You said the last one would be the last chapter.**_

_**Well I just decided to do another, sue me!**_

_**Kentucky: Don't worry, I already have my lawyer on the phone.**_

………_**. RUN!**_


	7. Waking Ed

Cast in order of appearance: Wrath, Envy, Al, Ed

Wrath still asleep in bed

Envy (standing outside door talking to Al): Fullmetal pipsqueak's still asleep.

Al: Yeah I know, I just don't wanna wake him…. h-he'll bite my head off!

Envy: Well I wouldn't doubt that. Even I, who hate his bleeding guts, wouldn't dare try and wake him up…. *shutter*

Al: I wonder when he'll get up, I need to serve breakfast eventually.

Wrath gets out of bed and walks out into the hall

Wrath (not fully awake): I'll get him… *yawn*

Al: Don't do it Wrath! It's suicide!

Wrath: Don't worry *yawn, rub eyes* This is my life long dream!

Envy: What, getting killed?

Wrath: Naw, waking someone up with a frying pan. I'll just bang on it until he wakes up.

Wrath walks down stairs and begins going through drawers and cupboards

Al: … I'm gonna miss him.

Envy: I'm not.

Envy takes out frying pan

Envy: Make me breakfast or I hit you again.

Al: … If you have the frying pan then what does Wrath…?

Ed laying on back in a mess of blankets, snoring and drooling

Door creaks open

Light falls on Ed

Ed (mumbling): W-what…? Oh, Wrath, it's *yawn* you… get out, I'm tired.

Light shines off what Wrath is holding

Ed: Huh-huh! Wr-Wrath…?!

Large steak knife in Wrath's hand

Ed (stammering): H-hold on…! D-don't get any closer!

Wrath walks in smiling

Ed: Wrath!!! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wrath raises steak knife

Large splat of red

Al (covered in ketchup): Hey! Be more careful with that!

Envy (eating breakfast): *shrug* Ketchup's good.

Wrath still standing with steak knife raised

Wrath: Oh… you woke up before I could get to you….

Ed (no words): H-…. Hu-….

Wrath: … I have failed….

Wrath leaves room

Ed: O-h…. M-my-…. G-GO-GO-GOD…!

Al (from out of room): WRATH??!! What're you doing with that knife?!!

Wrath (out of room): What? It was a frying pan not two seconds ago. Where'd it go?

Envy (out of room): HEY!! Quite swinging that thing in my direction.

Wrath: Where'd it go? I just had it!

Al: Put that thing down!!!

Ed (shock, daze, all around confusion): ...W-Wrath…? Knives…?

Fin

**_Okay so a lot of people have been asking me to do more of these, so i think i will :P ya know here and there so....._**

**_Kentucky: I thought I had ya beat!_**

**_No way, you shall never end the maddness that is Tennessee_**

**_Kentucky: Palm tree head!_**

**_Backwards Tucker!_**

**_Kentucky: This isn't over!_**

**_Thanks again! and reviews are better than ice-cream!_**

**_Tennessee_**


	8. How to be a State Alchemist

Cast in order of appearance: Al, Envy, Izumi, Ed, Mustang

Al walking around reading an alchemy book

Envy enters and takes book from Al

Al: Hey! Give that back!

Envy: Yeah right!

Envy knocks Al down and proceeds to kick him then laughs and leaves

Al gets up with a hand on his head

Al: Ow! Ow! Ow!

Unnamed voice: Hey you!

Al jumps and looks around

Al: … M-Mom? Dad?

Envy runs back in

Envy: Hohenheim?! Where is he, kid?!

Envy takes Al by the front of the shirt and shakes him

Al: No! I didn't! He's not here!

Envy: Liar!

Envy throws Al on ground

Envy: You're useless!

Envy kicks him and leaves

Voice: Are you tired of being beaten up just because you're the defenseless younger sibling?

Al: *nod, nod* Yep….

Voice: Then "How to be a State Alchemist" is the video for you!

DVD case is thrown at Al

Box hits Al in the face and knocks him down

Al: How to be a state alchemist?

Voice: That's right! It comes with two personal trainers, Roy Mustang and Edward Elric!

Al: Brother's in a video?

Voice: Yeah, yeah, just put that thing in, kid.

Al: Okay mister!

Al goes to TV and is hit in the back of the head with a lamp

Izumi (out of shot): State Alchemists stuck!!!!

Al: AH!! *puts video in*

Ed: Welcome to "How to be a State Alchemist"! My name is Edward Elric! *cough* Fullmetal alchemist *cough*

Mustang: And I'm Roy Mustang, the flame alchemist! I don't even hide how much pride I have!

Ed: Okay so it's not enough just to be able to use alchemy, you need guts and pride and a feeling that you're better than the world to be a state alchemist.

Mustang: So the first step, bragging.

Ed: I'm stronger.

Mustang: I'm smarter.

Ed: I don't need a circle.

Mustang: I can move oxygen.

Ed: I've got more fan girls.

Mustang: I'm better looking.

Ed: I'm the star of this show.

Mustang: I'm taller.

Ed: *rage*

Mustang: Step two, you need to know how to say no when people need you.

Ed: Hey Mustang could you-?

Mustang: No.

Ed: I didn't even ask anything yet, can you-?

Mustang: No.

Ed: But I-

Mustang: No.

Ed: But there's a homu-

Mustang: No.

Ed: Yes there is he's-

Mustang: No.

Ed: He's standing right there-! Oof!

Ed gets tackled by Envy

Envy: Where's Hohenheim?!

Ed: Mustang help-!

Mustang: No.

-Please Standby-

Ed: Next time I tell ya to help me, you better help!

Mustang: Sorry I'm a state alchemist, it would be against my contract.

Ed: … *rage* … Well fine, step three, you must have missing limbs.

Mustang: You don't need to be missing limbs!

Ed: Yeah, I guess it just makes me cooler.

Mustang: Hold on a minute! I can snap and make fire! That's cool!

Ed: No it's not, look what I can do!

Transmutes automail into gun

Ed: Ha!

Mustang: … Whatever. Step four, you need to have a state alchemist pocket watch. Like this one.

Mustang holds up state alchemist watch

Ed: … Mine was thrown at Kimblee by Scar… then it was all blown up and stuff.

Mustang: You can't be a state alchemist then.

Ed: Yeah I can!

Mustang: Have you ever fought a homunculus?!

Ed: Fought and died by!

Mustang: Near death, near death, just as good.

Ed: I don't know *smirk* Oh yeah and step number five, argue with your superiors… a lot.

Mustang: And lastly, take things that don't belong to you.

Mustang takes Ed's cloak

Ed: Hey! That's my trademark jacket!

Mustang: It's mine now.

Ed: Give it back!

Mustang: *ignore* So if you put all the steps together they should look something like this:

Ed enters and hits Mustang in the head with his automail arm

Mustang: Hey what was that for?!

Ed: I'm better than you!

Mustang: No way!

Ed hits Mustang again

Ed: Die homunculus!

Mustang: I'm not a homunculus!

Ed: I'm missing limbs!

Mustang: Could you c-?!

Ed: No. *takes pocket watch* Mine now! HEHE!!! *runs*

Mustang: H-hey!

Al blankly stares at TV

Al: T-that was confusing….

Al walks away

Envy (standing in hall): Pipsqueaks brother!

Envy goes to punch Al

Al: Hold on!

Envy: What?

Al: Um, I'm a state alchemist now… die homunculus!

Envy: *snap* That's it!

Fin

_**Kentucky: Dude, you have a serious problem.**_

_**Yeah I know, but it's fun!**_

_**Kentucky: Whatever, I'm making myself a sandwich.**_

… _**Um, help yourself I guess…?**_

_**Thanks for reading and please review! Reviews are better than ice-cream!**_

_**Tennessee**_


	9. How to be a Homunculus

Cast in order of appearance: Al, Envy, Ed, Wrath

Al stands looking through a paper

Envy walks in with fists raised

Al: No wait!

Envy: What?

Al: I know how to be a state alchemist now!

Envy: …?

Envy knocks him down and proceeds to kick him then leaves

Al gets up

Al: Why me?

Unnamed voice: Hey you?!

Al: Me?

Unnamed voice: Yes you! Do you know who I am?

Al: … Ishvala?

Unnamed voice: … No, I'm your saving grace! And I have a DVD for you!

Al: But the last one didn't work!

Unnamed voice: Just do it kid.

DVD case is thrown at Al

Al catches it

Al: Hey! I caught it!

Fourteen other DVD cases are thrown at Al

Al (laying on the ground): Ow! Why do you need to do that?!

Voice: This DVD will solve all your many problems!

Al looks at case

Al: How to be a homunculus? I didn't even know that was possible.

Voice: What?! Now you doubt the power of Ishvala?!

Al: N-no sir!

Voice: Good! Now that DVD comes with your own personal trainers Wrath and Envy.

Al: But Envy just beat me up.

Voice: Just do it or Scar'll come after you!

Al: *panic*

Puts DVD in

Envy (wearing long sleeve turtleneck for reasons unknown): Welcome to… "How to be a Homunculus" my name is *looks down at palm* Envy, ya got a problem with it?!

Ed (out of shot): Yeah I do!

Envy: Get a life!

Wrath: Hi! My name is Wrath! *grin*

Envy: And we're going to be teaching the pathetic humans out there watching this, how to become a homunculus.

Wrath: Most don't that's possible, but we'd say otherwise.

Envy: Alright! Step one! To become a homunculus you gotta break the rules!

No Loitering

Envy walks over and stands by the sign

Envy: Oh yeah.

Do Not Touch

Wrath runs over giggling and pokes the sign then runs away

Envy shakes head

No Drinking and Driving

Envy sitting in a car drinking a juice box

Envy: Oh yeah.

Do Not Touch

Wrath runs back over and pokes sign again, then runs away giggling

Envy: Will ya knock it off Wrath!

Wrath: Sorry….

Envy: Step two, homunculus must have an outrageous hair style.

Wrath: Like Envy's, see? Looks like a palm tree-

Envy: I'm gonna kill ya!

-Please standby-

Envy: Or Wrath's hair for example! You can use it to scrap the gum off the bottom of your shoes!

Wrath: Ow! Ow! Envy stop!!!

-Please standby-

Wrath (trying to pick gum out of hair): Step- Ow! three. Homunculus need cool handshakes.

Holds hand up to a grumpy looking Envy

Wrath: Gimme five, Envy!

Envy holds up hand

Wrath goes to slap Envy's hand

Envy grabs Wrath's face and throws him down

Envy: … Ha….

Wrath gets up

Wrath: Okay, handshake.

Holds out hand

Envy takes his arm and forces him into a back flip

Wrath gets up again

Wrath: Jumping handshake!

Wrath jumps at Envy

Envy moves out of the way

Wrath (flat on face): … And the running handshake.

Gets up and runs at Envy

Envy sticks out foot and trips Wrath

Envy: … Ha…. Step four, a bad sense of style.

Wrath: But Mom doesn't have a bad sense of style, Greed doesn't either.

Envy: Only the best homunculi have bad style.

Wrath: Then we must be the coolest!

Envy: You got that right!

Wrath looks at Envy

Wrath: You must be cooler than me though….

Envy: What's that supposed to mean kid?!

Wrath: Step five! You need a cool tattoo! Like this one!

Attempt to show camera the bottom of his foot but falls

Wrath: So put all these things together and it should look a little like this:

Envy: ….

Wrath: ….

Envy: I didn't plan this far.

Wrath: Why not?

Envy pulls down sleeves and lifts up shirt

Entire body covered in script

Envy: I ran outta room.

Wrath: … So what should we do now?

Envy: … I have an idea.

Throws Wrath down

Wrath: Wait Envy!

Envy: What?

Wrath: You could always go the Lin approach and just become Greed….

Envy: *shrug* … I guess so… hmm…?

Al runs away from TV

Al: I gotta go get someone to turn me into Greed!

Bumps into Envy

Al: AAAHHH!!!!!!! Don't hurt me! I know how to be a homunculus!

Envy: Y-you saw that video?!

Al: *sniffle* Y-yeah?

Envy: Ah! I told Wrath to burn all them! *points at Al* You! This is your fault!

Al: How is it my fault?!

Envy: Because it is! You're gonna pay!

Al: Brother, help!!!!!! *runs off in other direction*

_**Hehe!!! Sorry about that Al :P Okay I hope you liked this one! Please review (reviews are better than chocolate ice-cream with hot fudge and sprinkles) …. Mmmmmm……. Great, now I want chocolate!**_

_**Kentucky: Yeah well what am I supposed to do about it?**_

_**W-what are you eating?**_

_**Kentucky: The last of your chocolate ice-cream with hot fudge and sprinkles… what?**_

_***rage, rage***_


	10. The Knuckleheads

Cast in order of appearance: Ed, Al, Envy, Wrath, Lust, Ling, May

With exams coming up and three of our characters completely unprepared a society is formed, a society of knuckleheads

Ed enters, Al sitting across the classroom reading

Ed (singsong): Hey Al?

Al (without looking up): What is it this time, Brother?

Ed: Do ya maybe have the homework?

Al: Yep.

Ed: Is it all finished and corrected?

Al: Yep.

Ed: Can I see it for a minute?

Al: No way.

Ed: Come on.

Al: No way.

Ed: Not even for your brother?

Al: No way in Hell.

Ed: When have I ever asked you for something?

Al: Yesterday, and the day before that, and even the day before that.

Ed: Well then, what I ask ya for?

Al: My homework.

Ed: …Oh….

Al: Brother, are you even ready for exams?

Ed: … Exams?

Al: Yeah, like tests but bigger.

Ed: I know what they are! … I just didn't know we were taking them.

Al: Yeah, the teacher announced it last week, told us what study and everything.

Ed: …Not ringing any bells.

Al: 'course not.

Ed: Hey what _are_ we supposed to be studying?

Al: If you didn't pay attention I'm not telling you.

Ed: Please?! Just tell me the set up!

Al: No!

Envy jumps into conversation

Envy: Oh! I need the set up of the test!

Al: No!

Ed and Envy: But we're your brothers!

Al: I will **not** give it to you!

Wrath: Are we talk'en 'bout the test? I need the set up!

Al chucks book at Wrath

Al: Never!!

Book narrowly misses Wrath

Wrath: Come on, I never ask you for anything!

Al: If I tell you you'll tell these two.

Wrath: No I won't!

Al: They'll force you to tell them! I know they will!

Ed and Envy: *evil smirk*

Al: You guys are so lazy!

All three: Please?

Al: ….

Ed: Well there you have it, please extend your loving help to us three!

Envy: I forgot the set up of the test in every single subject.

Wrath: When are the tests starting, again?

Ed: Well said Wrath!

Envy: He's the king of forgetfulness!

Al: …How can you guys be so…-?

Ed: So in conclusion:

All three: Tell us the set up of the next test!

Al: *snap* I'm never gonna tell you! There's no way I'd give anything to you knuckleheads!

Three: Who you calling knuckleheads?!

Al: *sigh*

Ed: Fine! We don't need your help! If we don't know the scope of the test then we'll just have to study everything!

Homunculi: Yeah!

Ed: The three of us! You just watch! We'll have the last laugh!

Three: The Knuckleheads!!!

Twenty minutes later

Ed, Envy, and Wrath sitting in the courtyard with books open

Envy: I don't get this, nothing makes sense in this part.

Wrath: This is getting confusing, why don't we just apologize to Al?

Ed: No! We can't, if we do now then we'll never get a chance to prove to him that we really are as smart as he is.

Envy: Yeah, but we're not.

Ed: Don't say things like that!

Wrath points at word problem

Wrath: Hey, this person's name is Blue3, would that mean Blue is his last name?

Envy: … That was random.

Ed: No, you've got it all wrong, Blue would be his first name, 3's his first name.

Wrath: Okay, but then what happened to Blue1, and Blue2.

Envy: …?

Wrath: And would that make Blue5 like Roy Mustang then?

Ed and Envy: …………? …. Ohhh…..!

Long pause

Bird flies from tree and lands on Wrath's head, then flies away

After class

Envy: I understand now that's it's not use if it's just us knuckleheads!

Lust (lost): Um… what?

Envy: I know there's a big test coming up tomorrow, but I never took any notes in class and now I have no idea what to study….

Lust: And?

Envy: Can I borrow your notes?

Lust: Um, sure *gives Envy notebook* Go ahead.

Envy: Yes!

Envy runs back to desk and begins flipping through notebook

Envy: Okay… don't get it… don't get it… don't get it… don't get it… don't- oh! What do we have here?

Looks down at small sketch of a poorly drawn chibi

Envy: Not much of an artist is she…? Hmm….

Envy hands book back to Lust

Envy: Thanks! *runs away*

Lust opens up book

Lust: *gasp*

Small chibi drawing with arrows through it

Al walks in and sees Ed at his desk

Al: Shouldn't you be studying, Brother?

Ed begins laughing and holds up two notebooks

Al: What're those?

Ed: They're my picks! Everything that'll be on the test! Look!

Runs over to Greed

Ed: Someone trying to cram before the test. Can you do it? Memorize everything?

Greed: Shut up! You'll make me forget!

Ed: Not to worry! Here!

Gives notebook to Greed

Ed: My predictions for what'll be on the test!

Greed: …How'd ya know?

Ed: Because I'm the Fullmetal alchemist! For example! Page thirty-four! That'll be on there for sure!

Greed: … Gimme one of those things!

Ed: I have one for everyone!

Everyone crowds around

The next day

Teacher: Alright, begin.

Everyone: … It's not here!!!

Ed: *blank stare*

Al: *sigh*

Homeroom

Envy stares at paper

Test grade: 30%

Envy scratches head

Envy: … Thirty points? … Well it was pretty hard…. Guess I should go brag now!

Envy runs over to Lust

Envy: Hey Lust I-!

Sees Lust's grade: 87%

Envy (backing away): Oh, um… never mind….

Ling: Hey May how'd ya do?

May: Pretty good, I got an eighty-five.

Ling: Oh I only got an eighty.

May: Most people did really well on it, so I bet the average will be really high.

Envy bits lip

Envy: … Not good.

Ed: Wrath how'd ya do?!

Wrath: Not so good.

Ed: Yeah well, there's no way it was gonna be.

Ed's grade: 31%

Wrath's grade: 42%

Wrath: I did it! Forty-two points! I won!

Ed: To think I lost to Wrath.

Envy runs over

Envy: Yes! Go Knuckleheads!

Ed: Are you gonna brag?

Envy: I only got thirty points!

Ed: That's just insane.

Wrath: Does this mean I'm the leader now, I got the high score.

Ed: I'm not sure if you're leader material.

Envy: That doesn't even make me envious.

Wrath: … Really?

Ed: Besides, Envy would be the leader. He got the lowest.

Ed: I'm going to see what Al got.

Wrath stares at Envy

Envy: What's with that look?

Wrath: Our leader!

Envy: What?

Wrath: Our leader!

Envy: Buzz off kid!

Wrath: Our leader!

Envy: I don't wanna be your leader!

Wrath: Our leader!

Al: Yes! A perfect score!

All three gather around Al

Al: H-huh?

Wrath: Fourty-two points!

Envy: Thirty points!

Ed: Thirty-one points!

Three: Combine our three scores together! That's a hundred and three points! The Knuckleheads win!!! Mawahahahaha!!!!!

_**Hey! Thanks for reading!!! Please review! Reviews are better than ice-cream!!!**_

_**Kentucky: You're a knucklehead.**_

_**Thanks! Maybe they'll let me join! Hey guys wait up!**_

_**Kentucky: …Idiot.**_

_**Tennessee :P**_


	11. FMA in PE

Cast in order of appearance: Envy, Wrath, Ed, Tucker

FMA in P.E.

Envy and Wrath walking down the hall

Wrath: We have P.E. next.

Envy: Joy.

Wrath: I gotta get my gym uniform.

Envy: I hate wearing that thing. I'm not changing.

Wrath: Wow Envy! You're a rebel!

Envy: Well at least I'm one thing I know you'll never be.

Wrath: I could be a rebel if I wanted!

Envy: I don't think so.

Wrath: Just watch me!

Gym class

Wrath bounces around normal homunculus clothing

Ed (wearing gym uniform): Shouldn't you get changed into the uniform?

Wrath: Nope! I'm gonna prove to Envy that he's not the coolest homunculus.

Ed: Well I don't think he is, but I still think it'll be hard for _you_ to beat him.

Wrath ignores him and continues bouncing, one leg longer than the other making it hard to stand

Ed: I don't get how you can wear my limbs. Doesn't it get irritating having a longer leg and arm than you're supposed to have?

Wrath: Not really, it's like an itchy hat, *serious* ya know what I mean Edward?

Ed: … No I can't say I do.

Wrath: Ya just get used to it… but some day you'll be able to trade in that itchy hat for a nice fluffy one, *serious* ya know what I mean Edward?

Ed: … I've never heard that proverb before.

Wrath: But then there'll be a time where you'll have given up the itchy hat and your waiting for the fluffy hat, and you won't have a hat… and your ears will get cold…. *serious* ya know what I mean Edward?

Ed: Now I'm concerned on a number of levels….

Wrath walks away still looking at Ed

Expression: impassive

Envy looks at Wrath without gym clothes on

Envy: Hmm, you won't last.

Wrath: Yeah I will! It's just like an-

Envy: An itchy hat I know, you've told me like a million times!

Wrath: It's true!

Envy: I don't even know what you mean by that!

Wrath begins stroking his right arm

Wrath: Envy didn't mean it, there there.

Envy: …Whatever….

Tucker enters

Tucker: … I _love_ those pants!

Wrath and Envy scream and desperately try and cover themselves up

Wrath: Tucker! Where's our gym teacher?

Tucker: He fell ill, I will be taking his place…. Where did you ever get such pants?!

Envy: That's it I'm going to go change!

Wrath: Right behind you!

_**Okay! Hi! Thanks for reading everyone! Please review (better than ice-cream!) Now I have a special request! Can you think of any comedy kid/teen movies that you think would be funny with FMA?! If you have an idea I've been thinking of doing something like that! I'd love to hear from you!**_

_**Thanks again **_

_**Tennessee**_


	12. Christmas?

Cast in order of appearance: Wrath, Al, Ed, Envy, Lust, Sloth

Christmas time approaching for FMA characters

_Part one: The terrible red-nosed reindeer_

Wrath talking to Al

Wrath: Ya know how they have those stories this time of year about the red-nosed reindeer?

Al: Yeah, 'course I do.

Wrath: Well I just can't stop thinking about how horrible it is.

Al: …?

Wrath: I mean sure his nose would be real good for dark roads and things, but that's no relief.

Al: What do you mean?

Wrath: I _mean_ if you told a bald person his head was real useful for seeing on a road at night you'd just get clobbered! Santa sure says some mean things….

Al: I-… I guess so….

Wrath: But the Reindeer's also got its own issues!

Al: …Really?

Wrath: What kind'a nose does he have that lights up the road at night?! And where'd he get it from?! I demand to know!

Al: C-calm down!

Wrath: I bet he stole it! Or….

Al: Or what?

Wrath: Maybe it that he's not a reindeer at all! ………… I bet… I bet he's… something… else….

Al: *nervous laugh* Heh-heh….

_Part two: The amazing Santa _

Al still talking to Wrath across the room about the terrible red-nosed reindeer

Envy (to Ed): Hey, you think your brother still believes in Santa?

Ed: I-… I don't know, I've never asked him.

Envy: Well one way to find out! *runs over to Al* Hey Al! Are you one of those people that still believe in Santa?!

Ed: *mortified*

Runs over and grabs Envy by the hair pulling him away

Ed: What're you doing?!

Envy: Asking!

Ed: And what're ya gonna do if he does believe?! Huh?! You can't just go crushing his hopes and dreams!

Envy: Well then how were you gonna explain it to him?!

Ed: Explain?

Envy: For example, what if he wants to know where the money for presents comes from?

Ed: Uh… well…. G-government! The government pays Santa!

Envy: And not everybody has a chimney.

Ed: Don't underestimate him! Santa's got awesome lock picking skills! He'll open anything!

Envy: So how does he get to all the houses?

Ed: He's fast! Tremendously fast! Like Mach 100!!!!

Envy: Right, no human could do that!

Ed: What're you saying?! That Santa's really a homunculus?!

Envy: No, like a spaceman!

Ed: Or a mole man!

Envy: Could be he's an alien!

Ed: Like Ling?!

Envy: Exactly!

Al approaches

Al: You guys, it's okay, I already know.

Ed and Envy: What?!

Ed: So Santa's a spaceman?!

Envy: Or is he a mole man?!

Al: No, that Mr. Santa's really our father.

Envy: … *twitch* Why does this keep happening to me?!

Ed: Our father?

Ed tries to imagine Hohenheim in Santa suit: fail.

Ed: Why would you say that?

Al: Because I saw him putting presents under our tree when I was little.

Ed: That liar! He told me I was just dreaming!

Envy (pounding on desk): WHY?! WHY?! WHY?! WHY?! WHY?!

Wrath: *blank stare*

Theatre of Wrath's mind:

Hohenheim (wearing Santa hat): Merry Christmas!

Hands Al a Christmas present

Al: Thank you so much! Hooray! My father is Mr. Santa!

Hohenheim: That's right! The government pays me to buy gifts for everyone in the world!

Al: Amazing!

Hohenheim: Plus! I can fly at Mach 100!

Al: Amazing! Amazing!

Curtains close

_Part three: Secret Santa_

Ed looks at paper and scratches head

Paper: Secret Santa/ Getting something for Envy

Ed: If it was anyone else besides Envy this'd be easy…. Envy!

Envy (daydreaming): Huh? What's up Pipsqueak?

Ed: *rage* ………. If you could have anything for Christmas what would it be?

Envy: Anything? Like anything at all?

Ed: Yeah.

Envy: Even like a hundred trillion bucks?

Ed: … Maybe something a little bit more realistic?

Envy: Realistic? If you haven't noticed I'm a homunculus, I don't think the rules of realism apply to me.

Ed: ….

Envy: … Then how realistic are we talking? Is ten million low enough?

Ed: …. Uh…well I guess if you're gonna ask for a price….

Wrath: What're you talking about?

Ed: So what do you want for Christmas Wrath?

Wrath: … Let me think…. Oh! You know the big tree in front of Central's train station?

Envy: Yeah, the one Pipsqueak's brother walked into the other day.

Al (out of shot): It was an accident!

Wrath: That's the one! I'd really like the pretty, sparkly, gold star on the very, very tippity top of it! I've always wanted something like that! So I can remember that warm and fuzzy feeling of Christmas all year round!

Envy: …?

Ed: You see Envy, this is what we call a pure and unadulterated young mind.

Envy: *sigh* … Santa's not real!!!

Wrath: But I thought he was Hohenheim!

Envy: Lies! All lies!!! MWAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!

Wrath begins crying while Envy points and laughs

Ed: *sigh* *walks away*

_Part four: Reindeer do Exist!_

Ed and Al sitting with Envy doing nothing in particular

Wrath approaches

Wrath: … Might I ask you something?

Al: What's with being so formal?

Wrath: *snap* I know Santa doesn't exist, but reindeer do exist! Right?!

Ed: ….

Al: ….

Envy: … HA! This kid still believes in reindeer!

Al: …?

Ed: … Reindeer do exist.

Envy: Flying deer do not exist, Pipsqueak! You're trying to trick me! But I'm not falling for it! HA!

Ed: … Okay he's confused.

Envy: You liar! HA!

Envy runs to Lust

Envy: Hey Lust! Do reindeer exist?!

Lust: They do.

Envy: Huh?!

Runs to Sloth

Envy: Sloth! Do reindeer exist?!

Sloth: Yep.

Envy: W-what?!

Al draws a small reindeer

Ed: Reindeer do exist.

Al: They can't fly, but they look like this one right here.

Holds up drawing

Ed: Deer and reindeer are two different things.

Envy: … W-WHAT THE HECK?!!!! I'M NOT STUPID!!!!!!

_**Okay I know it's a little bit early for Christmas, but I just couldn't let this idea go by, so here we are! Christmas in September! **_

_**Now, a lot of people have told me they want to see a Disney movie, something like Bolt of New Groove? Let me know! And please review!!!! Reviews are better than ice-cream!!!**_


	13. Wrath's Cat

Cast in order of appearance: Ed, Al

Ed sitting in rod iron chair thrown at him in one of previous gags (see "Hohenheim's Will") while reading

Al enters and begins rocking on the balls of his feet

Ed (without looking up): I'm not getting you a cat.

Al: You don't even know what I was gonna ask!

Ed: Well, then what is it?

Al: … Please?! Please! I'll take care of it and feed it and play with it!

Ed: I'm not getting you a cat!

Al: … If you don't I'll tell Envy where you're hiding your diary!

Ed: Okay, let's go find a cat for you!

A half hour later

Ed: You bug me for years for a cat, then all the sudden decide you don't want one.

Al: Those cats were all ugly! I want a cat like Wrath's!

Ed: Wrath has a cat?

Al: Yeah he found it on the side of the road yesterday, here I'll show you.

Envy sitting on stage of underground play house doing nothing in particular

Wrath runs in

Wrath: Hey Envy! Ya wanna see my cat?

Envy: No not really.

Wrath: ….

Envy: … Fine.

Wrath holds up what is possibly the ugliest cat on the face of the planet

Envy: Whoa! What is that thing?!

Wrath: It's a cat.

Envy: No it's not! It looks like a mutant fish deep fried and rolled with dog hair!

Wrath: His name is Mr. Blind-eyes.

Envy: What's that stuff all over its face?!

Wrath: Scars…. Mr. Blind-Eyed-Scarred-Face.

Wrath holds cat out at Envy

Cat throws up on him

Envy: *rage, rage*

Wrath: Mr. Blind-Eyed-Scarred-Face-Puke-Mouth….

Ed walks in with Al

Ed: So where is this cat?

Cat screeches and jumps on Ed's face

Ed: AHH! Get it off me!

Envy rolls around laughing

Al: Brother?!

Wrath: Woo! Go Mr. Blind-Eyed-Scarred-Face-Puke-Mouth-Attack-Cat!!!!

_**Hello everyone! Thanks for reading, please review because reviews are better than ice-cream!**_

_**Alright! The votes are in! And I will be doing… the Emperor's New Groove! Or should I say Envy's New Groove! The first chapter will be up on the first of October so please tune in!!! :P**_

_**Tennessee**_


	14. Grapes of WRATH

Cast in order of appearance: Ed, Al, Wrath, Envy

Ed: Aw man, look at this giant book Teacher's making us read.

Al: What is it?

Ed: Something called The Grapes of Wrath.

Wrath: You called?

Al: No he said –

Wrath: (taking book) What's this? A book about me? You wanna read about me, Edward?

Envy: Who in their right mind would want to read about you?

Ed: I don't want to read about Wrath.

Wrath: Aw….

Ed: I have to read this book for Teacher.

Wrath: Mommy wrote a book about me?! I knew she loved me!!

Ed: No, Wrath it's not –

Envy: (laughing hysterically) Ha! You think she'd write a book about you!? What a joke! (takes book from Wrath) Look, this is clearly about… (reads title) grapes! … Wait, what's a grape?

Al: How could you not know what a grape is?

Wrath: I know what it is!

Envy: What?

Wrath: Um… hold on, I'll find one! (runs out)

Ed: Do you think he'll find one?

Al: Nope.

Envy: I still don't know what a grape is.

Al: Again, how could you not know?

Envy: Well if you're so smart, then what is it?

Al: It's a… well… Brother, you tell him!

Ed: Erm, it's like a round little fruit thing.

Envy: That's descriptive.

Ed: Hey, I'm not a dictionary okay?

Envy: You're right. You're too small to be a dictionary.

Ed: Don't call me small!

Al: Brother, calm down.

Wrath: (running back in) I found one!

Everyone: What?!

Wrath: Yeah, see look! (holds up a roll of duct tape)

Ed: Wrath, it was supposed to be a grape, not tape.

Wrath: Grape? But this is a grape, isn't it?

Ed: (sigh)

Envy: Hey Wrath, can I borrow your "grape" for a second?

Wrath: Yeah, sure.

Envy: Thanks (three seconds later…)

Wrath: Hey, you can't just stick me to the wall! Al! Ed! Help me!

Ed: Put tape on his mouth! Put tape on his mouth!

Envy: With pleasure.

Wrath: Hey I – (muffled mumbles)

_**The last chapter of FMA Gags! And this chapter is by my friend Shiloh Asha, so everyone give her a virtual hug for her amazing work!!!! Thanks for reading the Gags and hope to see you in Envy's New Groove!!!**_

_**Tennessee**_


	15. A Day in the lives of Envy and Wrath

Cast in order of appearance: Envy, Wrath, Sloth, Lust, Pride, Gluttony, Dante

A typical morning for Envy

Alarm clock goes off

Envy reaches for alarm clock, clock won't turn off

*smash*

Gets up and goes into bathroom, gets dressed

Envy: ... Headband... headband... *washes hair*

Begins blow drying hair, palm tree forms

Begins shaving near open window

Envy: ... Wait... I don't need to shave

Throws razor out window

Voice from below: Ah!

Envy looks out window

Wrath peddling in circles on a tricycle covering one eye

Wrath: Hey envy!

Envy: .... Idiot....

Goes into bedroom and puts on shoes

Envy: ... Why are these things so small?! Wait... I don't wear shoes

Looks at shoe

Envy: ... It's got _Wrath_ stitched into it...!

Runs to window and throws shoes out

Wrath: AH!

Envy: I hate you!

A typical morning for Wrath

The sun comes up

Wrath: *hopping out of bed* Good morning world!

*tiptoes by Envy's room* Shh... *giggles*

Walks past Sloth's room

Sloth: I hear you out there. Did you brush your teeth?

Wrath: *grumble* ...No

Sloth: Then go brush them.

Slumps back to the bathroom

Wrath: Toothbrush.... toothbrush.... where is that thing?... Oh well, I'll just use Envy's.

After brushing, walks outside

Riding bike

Wrath: I wonder when Envy will be up.... Hey what's tha - OW!!

Holds bleeding eye, looks up to the window that a razor just flew out of

Wrath: Hey Envy!

Envy shakes his head in disgust, then pulls away from the window

Wrath: Look at the sun! It's so bright! *stares at it for a moment* OW! OW! My eyes!!

Falls off tricycle, holding eyes

Wrath: Okay, note to self, no more looking at bright shiny things....

Hears Envy coming back to the window

Wrath: Hey Envy I - OW!!

Picks up a shoe that just hit him

Wrath: That hurt - Hey wait a second, these are my shoes! Weird...

Pauses, then goes back to riding his bike like nothing happened

A typical afternoon for Envy

Envy looking like he's trying to get a bad taste out of his mouth

Lust walks in

Lust: What are you doing?

Envy: My teeth taste like candy corn and peanut butter.

Lust: … Did you eat candy corn or peanut butter?

Envy: No, that's the weird part.

Lust: … Wrath was eating peanut butter and candy corn….

Envy: AH! The idiot used my toothbrush again! *begins scraping tongue with fork*

Lust: … Right…. *leaves*

Pride: What are you doing?

Envy: *still scraping tongue* Un ovf or bidnus.

Pride: Well did you punch in this morning?

Envy: No.

Pride: *takes out clipboard* Now you're one hour late to work.

Envy: … So? I never punch in.

Pride looks at clipboard

Pride: I have you punched in everyday on time according to this.

Envy: *shrug* Does this mean I'm off the hook?

Pride: …I'm sorry what? *turns up hearing aid* Curse this human hearing, it weakens me…!

Envy walks to buffet

Gluttony: What should I get Envy?!

Envy: Don't care.

Gluttony: I want it all! What should I get?!

Envy: Eat the table for all I care!

Gluttony begins eating table

Envy: … I've lost my appetite.

Wrath runs in with a patch eye

Wrath: Hey Envy!

Envy: What happened to you?

Wrath: Went to the hospital so I didn't get a chance to punch you in this morning.

Envy: So you're the reason Pride yelled at me.

Wrath: Uh….

Envy: I hate you.

A typical afternoon for Wrath

Wrath playing with the eye patch he got at the hospital

Pride walks past him... stops... and turns around to look at him

Pride: Why are you wearing an eye patch?

Wrath: Envy hit me with a razor this morning

Pride: Well don't use an eye patch. I'm the only one allowed to have an eye patch.

Wrath: Why?

Pride: You're not important enough, and you're also late to work today.

Wrath: But my eye -

Pride: Don't want to hear it.

Wrath: *sigh*

Pride leaves, Wrath goes to get lunch

Sees Gluttony eating the table

Wrath: Um...

Gluttony: Taste good...

Wrath: Really?

Takes a bite of the table, crunching wood pieces between his teeth

Spots Envy

Wrath: Oh Envy! I had to go to the hospital today and I couldn't punch you in! *spits a glob of woodchips out of his mouth and frowns* Gluttony's wrong. The table does not taste good.

Envy: You're an idiot.

Lust comes in, sees Gluttony eating the table

Lust: Gluttony, don't eat that.

Gluttony: Sorry, Lust. *stops eating*

Sloth comes in, sees Wrath's eye

Sloth: Honey, what happened to you?

Wrath: I got hit with a razor... but look! I have an eye patch now!

Sloth: Looks..... great....

Envy: It looks stupid.

Wrath: No it doesn't!

Envy: It looks even stupider than Pride's does!

Pride's voice from the next room over: My eye patch is not stupid!

Envy: So you say.

Wrath: Mine's not stupid either. It's cool.

Envy: Stupid

Wrath: Cool!

Envy: Stupid!

Wrath: COOL!!

*arguing*

Dante walks in on the scene. Sloth is standing between Wrath and Envy, keeping them from punching each other. Gluttony has gone back to eating the table. Lust is ignoring everyone, while Pride has returned and is now attempting to get Gluttony to punch in.

Dante: ........ Idiots.

A typical evening for Envy

Envy sitting at a restaurant table alone looking through menu

Wrath runs over and sits down

Wrath: Hey Envy!

Envy: Get lost!

Wrath: But Sloth is busy, so she told me to come hang out with you!

Envy: No.

Wrath: But-!

Envy: No!

Wrath: But then I have to go home and eat from the magic box!

Envy: It's not magic! It is a microwave!

Waiter comes over

Waiter: My I take your order?

Wrath: Would it be possible to get a soda?

Waiter: … No… I'm sorry but, there is no way. I've stayed awake for nights on end trying to find an answer to that question… but nothing has come….

Envy: … *eyebrow raise*

Waiter: It's a tragedy really.

Wrath: …Oh… I'm sorry….

Waiter: But there was one person long ago… who knew the secret…

Wrath: *heartfelt* What happened to him?

Waiter: It's too painful to talk about… and the secret of the glass of soda died with him….

Envy: *irritation*

Waiter: There was something… about a glass and the soda fountain, but no one has been able to figure it out…. However there is a legend-

Envy: How about water?!

Waiter: Oh yeah I can do that. *walks away*

Wrath: *looks behind his chair* Mommy?!

Envy: … What?

Wrath: … I thought Mommy was there… *looks into kitchen* Mommy?! *runs into kitchen*

Envy leaves

Later on

Envy sitting in room

Door flies open

Wrath: It wasn't Mommy!

Envy: What I tell you about entering my room?!

Wrath: Ta not to….

Envy: Yeah, so get out!

Wrath: … Okay.

Turns to leave and trips on wire to stereo system

*crash*

Envy: … You better be able to pay for that.

Wrath: Don't worry! I can!

Runs back to room and returns with glass piggy bank

Wrath: See?!

Envy: Good *throws bank on floor* *crash*

Wrath: My piggy!!!

Envy: How much is in here?!

Wrath: Sixty-eight cents!

Envy: … I hate you….

A Typical Evening for Wrath

Wrath: Hey mommy, look what I can do! *transmutes his arm to the wall*

Sloth: *sigh* That's very nice honey. Go show Envy.

Wrath: I already did! *Flashback: Wrath runs into Envy's room.

Wrath: Hey Envy! Look at this! *transmutes his arm to the wall*

Envy: That's disgusting. *tosses dart at picture of Ed's face pinned to the wall. narrowly misses Wrath's head*

Wrath: Ah! Don't stab me!

Envy: Then get out.

Wrath: But…

Envy: Get out! *tosses dart at Wrath who ducks and just misses being hit*

Wrath: Okay, okay I'm going! See you later!

Envy: Don't come back!

*End flashback*

Wrath: ….. he didn't like it.

Sloth: Sorry honey, but mommy's very busy right now so you need to go find someone else to play with, okay?

Wrath: Okay! I bet Envy'll play with me!

*Runs out, finds Envy in a restaurant about to order*

Wrath: Hey Envy!

Envy: Ah, I thought I got rid of you!

Wrath: Nope, mommy's busy! So I'm gonna play with you!

Waiter walks over

Waiter: May I take your order?

Wrath: Could I have a soda?

Waiter: *launches into a long terrible speech about the legend of the old soda machine, Wrath is mesmerized, Envy just shakes his head*

Envy: How about water?!

Waiter: Oh yeah, I can do that. *Waiter leaves*

Wrath: *looks behind his chair* Mommy?!

Envy: … What?

Wrath: … I thought Mommy was there… *looks into kitchen* Mommy?! *runs into kitchen, spots the back of a woman with straight black hair* MOMMY! *hugs her*

Cook woman: Ew, get off me!

Wrath: *jaw drops* You're not mommy!

Cook: No I'm not. Now get out before I fine you for reckless endangerment of kitchen substances!!!!

Wrath: Huh? You can do that?

Cook: JUST GET OUT!!!

Wrath: O-okay, I mean y-yes ma'am, I mean sure y-your highness, I mean –

Cook: JUST LEAVE!!!

Wrath: *horrified look on his face, runs out and rushes back home to Envy's room*

Wrath: It wasn't Mommy!

Envy: What'd I say about coming into my room?!

Wrath: Ta not to….

Envy: Then get out before I puncture you with my darts!

Wrath: *disappointed look on his face* … Fine.

Turns to leave and trips on wire to stereo system

*crash*

Envy: … You better be able to pay for that.

Wrath: Don't worry! I can! *runs to his own room*

Wrath: Piggy bank, piggy bank, where'd you go? Oh here it is!

Wrath: *running back into Envy's room* See, I have money!

Envy: Good. *smashes bank on floor*

Wrath: Mr. Piggy!!

Envy: *staring at glass shards* How much was in there anyway?

Wrath: Sixty-eight cents.

Envy: … I hate you…

Wrath: *staring at broken bank* I'm sorry Mr. Piggy. You were a good friend.

Envy: What the -?

Wrath: Let's have a funeral for him!

Envy: No, I'm not –

Wrath: I said Let's have a funeral! We're having a funeral! Now!!

Envy: Fine whatever.

Two minutes later

Envy: *dressed in priest costume* Where did you even get this?!

Wrath: Lavi gave it to me. Now say a prayer!

Envy: I'm a sin. I don't know any prayers.

Wrath: SAY ONE!

Envy: Ah-okay, uhm… May we have a moment of silence for Mr. Piggy. Amen.

Wrath: ……. Yay! Now we can eat cake!

Envy: You don't eat cakes at funerals!

Wrath: But I want cake!

Envy: … Whatever.

_**I know I said FMA gags was over, but This is truly the last one! The author of the previous gag (Grapes of Wrath) wrote all the Wrath parts and I wrote all the Envy parts! Thank you **__**Shiloh Asha for working on this with me!! You are amazing!! *virtual hug* Thanks for reading!!!!!**_

_**Tennessee**_


End file.
